Thursday, January 26, 2012

10 things you should never say to your boyfriend. ever.

1. "I've slept with X number of guys"
Why are you even on that discussion? The last thing your man wants to think about is how many guys you've slept with. And if he absolutely wants to know... well then lie. The golden rule for women is divide by half. Don't feel bad about lying, men multiply their number by 2.
2. "My ex just texted me"
Unless you want your boyfriend to have fantasies about punching your ex in the face, avoid this statement. Exes can sometimes be pests but if you really like your current boyfriend you have to ignore all contact with the old beau.
3. "I got hit on while out with the girls last night"
There are 2 reasons a girl would say this: you're either trying to make your man jealous or you want your man to know how hot you are. Neither work to your advantage. Your man will either see through your statement and roll his eyes at your narcissistic behavior, or put you on lock down because now, congratulations, your man is jealous.
4. "I just took a pepto"
Three words that every man wants to believe more than anything else: Women Don't Sh*t. And since it's impossible to live by this statement... don't announce it when it happens.
5. "Sooo, I went through your e-mail today, and.."
Girls, lock it up before they lock up their e-mail forever. Passwords on everything, lying about things... this could be your future. Not to mention guys don't want to categorize you as one of the crazies. If you snoop, which I personally think is understandable at times, don't let it be known. Keep what you find to yourself unless it's break-up worthy.
6. "I don't know what it is, I just can't have an O lately"
Nothing breaks a man's ego quite like knowing he can't please his woman. Now, if you really can't at all, this is something you should be open about with your man so you can help find your spot together. But if you usually can and stress is getting to you, or your man is annoying you lately, or you have a "headache", you gotta learn to fake it. And commit to faking, because a good man can tell.
7. "I'm fat"
The more you say it, the more your man will believe it. And now, not only are you considered fat, you're considered annoying as well.
8. "Don't take this personally, but I hate your mother"
Too late, he took it personally. This is the poor boy's mother your dissing. Think before you harp on something or someone your man loves. As hard as it might be to like his momma, try, because if you want a future with your man, you're headed toward a future with his mom.
9. "Oh, I don't know how to cook"
WRONG. This is what recipes are for. Fake it til you make it. (this would go under #6 but unfortunately "Os" are never as easy to make as they are to fake)
10. "Your friend is actually really hot"
Peeeeeuuwwwwssshh. (the sound of your man's penis deflating). Ladies, do you ever want to be that mean? You know damn well if he said this about one of your friends you'd have daggers come out of your eyes. Don't say to your man what you wouldn't want him to say to you. xx

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